Hello

Happy Father's Day to all you dads out there!

A quick announcement... in-the-loop Ezine will be published every fortnightly (instead of weekly) until the release of Ray's ebook -- The "Inner Child" book is going to be a big milestone in our eMasters journey and we're very excited about this project. So, much of Ray's time and energy has been/will be invested in developing and fine-tuning the many new sections of material before finally completing the writing of this book. I'm really looking forward to the book's release. Hope you are too.

I'll also be taking advantage of this little "breather" from our weekly publishing schedule to focus on accomplishing my projects and goals this summer...

On the creative front, this year has already proven to be the most productive, prolific and challenging for me. Every new design project has helped me raise the quality of my designs. And even as I continue to work on my personal growth and development, being more spiritually and emotionally "liberated" and "connected" (nice bit of irony, no?) has allowed me to savour some looong overdue breakthroughs in my conceptual design work. The growth didn't come struggle-free, but the first fruits tasted so good that I'm encouraged to push it to the next level. So, I'll be glad to have more time to put towards my creative work this summer.

We'll also be looking into ways of upping the quality of this ezine and our ezine advertising. We want to give much better value (and results, too) to our advertisers -- Currently, our ezine ads have not been bringing in the results we all would like, even though we've been having good open rates (14-16%) for our ezine issues and special/solo mailings. Ray and I will be putting our heads together to crack this problem, and we hope to have your input...

Advertisers (and potential advertisers), do drop us an email -- We welcome your feedback.

Past advertisers in both our ezine ads and Shoi's Pick... We are committed to bringing you results. So, we'll re-run your ads that have not done so well after the release of Ray's "Inner Child" ebook. We believe that the added marketing from the book's release will also bring in new readers... and we'll place your ads before them.

I'll hand over today's issue to Ray now -- Being Father's Day, he has some father-and-son insights to share in our Readers' Feedback segment below.

Until we touch base again in our next in-the-loop issue, 2 weeks from now...

Have a blessed day and a very good week.

Editor

in-the-loop™ Ezine

Email Shoi

From D.P. in Australia...

Hi Ray,

Semantics is right I would say. Yes, words can prove to be a barrier to a subjective experience, but there are many ways to combine the use of words, body language and as you say, an attempt to grasp the 'spirit' of what is being said, to produce a third, an understanding of another's 'truth'. I am not sure about what you say about feelings that come from the body as opposed to feelings that come from the 'inner child', perhaps, in my understanding, it is the difference I have come to understand as occuring when someone is working from a place of 'self' as opposed to operating from an unconscious trauma system?


Hi,

Thank you so much for your question. You have put it very nicely: "Working from a place of 'self' as opposed to operating from an unconscious trauma system" -- The difficulty, as you realise from the bracketing of the word 'self', is to know the difference. When are we working from self? That is the crux of my investigation. For the longest of time, I have grappled with the concepts introduced by Zen buddhists who say that everything is an illusion. I seem to have come full circle on that and I believe I am slowly starting to understand what is meant. I hope my published book will go some way to illustrate that. Please wait for the book for a better explanation. I'm still working on it.

Email Ray

---

From Gerald Lopez, New Zealand...

Hi Raymond,

Sure I have a lot of thoughts from your provocative writings, but I think the most important thing is about your son and his chess game.

Of course, I appreciate you have thought about this quite a bit, but here's my 2 sen worth:

Why does Mark essentially play chess - to play a beautiful, creative game, or to win? I think it is critical to fully clarify his motivation.

From what you have said, I am guessing that Mark is an artist, and chess is his medium. Winning is good, but at the moment, incidental. Mark does not sound like an aggressive go-getter, and that's perfectly fine. Pressure to win may disturb his creativity, and thus he may play much better in lower-pressure games, but lose his brilliance and play more safely and mechanically in high-pressure situations. He may play more mechanically because, through anxiety, he has lost touch with his creative self.

Every child has a creative self, which is their connection to the Divine. Through this silent and delicate aspect of themselves they access infinite knowledge and understanding, and find their true path, or dharma, in life. This is such an important connection, and maybe one that you and I, Raymond, lost early in our lives. I, at least, have felt a lost soul for 40 years.

At the risk of speaking out of place, I would say that, at his age, it would be good to allow Mark to explore his creative brilliance, and the beauty of the game, until he reaches such a stage that competition does not disturb him any longer - he can just be himself and play superbly. It is like artists who had patrons - the patrons would pay the artists' living expenses so they could focus on their creativity.

It is easy for parents to want to make champions and geniuses of their kids - in the parents' own image. Often, the kids ARE geniuses, but in ways the parents can't realise. I feel that giving a young person the space to discover, explore and develop their deepest desires and motivations, is the finest gift a parent can give that young person.

Having said all that, I know you are a wonderful father, and are doing a fantastic job. Congratulations.

Best regards,

Gerald
www.gerald-lopez.com


My old friend,

I know this comes deeply from your heart and I'll do my best to reciprocate. Yes, we have both been damaged and trying to find our way back. Your concerns resonate with another reader, Hazel's (who wrote earlier). As D.P. said above, it is so difficult NOT to assess from our trauma systems.

These are my observations.

Mark started off just playing and winning the State Championship in his first tournament, 3 years back. He thoroughly enjoyed the winning experience and the side benefits of recognition (especially from the girls). However, winning also brought on many unexpected challenges -- One, he made poweful enemies of people who wanted to control him and presumably ride on his glory, and of those who were envious of his achievements. The other was the introduction of fear in his game the following year since he was now defending champion.

Together, these forces threatened to overwhelm his creativity. I wasn't sure how to handle this myself. As a child, I was never taught by my parents how to deal with problems like these. So, I began to observe and learn. In this journey, I saw parents teaching their children how to cheat, how to suck up to officials so their children won't be victimised, and yes, also parents who wanted their children to win at all cost and took their children's stumbles as their own personal failures. There have been so many variations on this theme.

I took it as an opportunity to teach Mark the value of graciousness, fair play and keeping his own weather. And not to allow others to take away his hopes and dreams. I taught him how to evaluate his stumbles realistically, and to keep to the spirit of the game... Which is to enjoy the learning. To understand the drama both within and without the game. To see others, and himself, with compassion.

Yes, there had been angry words between us before, especially during our evaluations at the early stages and when I threatened not to be his coach. But maybe Mark's words to me can shed some light here -- At one time, when he said he didn't want me to be his coach, he remarked, "Dad, I thought you would be mad at me" (when he saw that our relationship didn't change in any other way except I wasn't his coach then). To that I said, " Son, our relationship as father and son is not based on your achievements in chess, it's much more than that. Yes, I am disappointed you did not try your best but I still love you no matter what. I am only here as your guide, so long as you want me to."

My belief is that this is fundamental to a healthy relationship -- I am there to help him, and in return I receive understanding and learning from fresh eyes. Discord in one area should not be brought into other areas of a relationship. Also, mistakes must not be judged as a personal failing, but as a stepping stone to learning. Yes, I have learned much from my son.

An aside... Mark has been taught, from a young age, to express his feelings freely. He was able to name over 70 emotions/feelings at age 10. Rather, what we do is to help him evaluate if his emotion is appropriate to the situation. Allow me to give you some excerpts of our conversations...

"Dad, why is that man trying to intimidate me?" "Son, look at the man carefully. Do you think he's hurting? I know he looks confident, but would a confident man pick on a child?" "What do you think his life may be like if he needs to feel good from picking on kids?"

"Dad, why is that boy so nasty to me?" "Son, have you done anything to make him feel that way about you?" "Were you sensitive to his feelings, especially if he has lost a game?" "Is he normally like that?"

"Son, why did you lose that game?" "Were you overwhelmed by your fears? Let us look at what those fears were, and if they are reasonable. Is there another way we can look at this situation and still keep to the truth?"

"Son, why aren't you practising? Are you going to use this as an excuse if you don't do well in the next competition?" "Do you want to do well? Or do you want to re-evaluate your goal?"

I now believe that our children want to win, love competition and learning... so long as we do not tell them they can't do it, take away their joy of self-achievement. I have shared his untainted joy of winning, without compromising his integrity and dignity... and I too have found the feeling exhilarating. It is not pressure that damages, but rather how we are taught to perceive it -- Pressure is not our enemy; it is a tool for growth, and the way of the universe.

I think this is what has been missing in our own upbringing. My parents were never there, they didn't help me get over my hurts, or help me to evaluate realistically when I had misconceptions. Mark wants to learn how to stay focused in intense competition, how to accept his defeats graciously. And now, after 3 years, he has a new group of friends who understands this, they compete fiercely but this is never at the expense of their deep friendship and mutual respect. Quite different from what we have learned in life. So if we, as parents, can step aside from our own dramas and past baggage, and re-connect to our own inner child, then we can see clearer the consequences of our own actions. For awhile there, last year, I wondered what had happened to the Mark we knew and loved so much. He lost his spontaneity and exuberance for life. But with the new tools he has learned, I am glad to see him come back again this year as the kid I grew to love and admire. All he needed was to be understood and appreciated for his choices, and for his parents to stand by him when he was in the right.

Email Ray

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